Pitifully Sweet (1.22.07)

I've just been so caught up

In my own melodrama

that i find it hard to get anything done.

Today I went to get a coffee

And i had some change in my pocket,

But I didnt have it all

So a man offered to pay the differences

Then he called me pitiful.

I said thank you, and politely walked out the door,

But as I was leaving I asked myself what I was thanking him for.

Who is he to judge me?

Who am I to care?

The truth is I feel sorry for HIM

For having to live life so bitter.

I called my friend up  afterwards

To tell her the news,

as tears poured from my pitiful blue eyes

And onto my pitiful shoes. 

She didnt have much to say, 

But she listened to me nonetheless.

I may be pitiful and pathetic,

but for what I do have, I feel blessed.

The truth is I should have made a stand, 

Instead of thanking him-

Giving him gratification for slapping me on the hand.

But In this messed up world we live in,

Its not so strange at all-

This obedience as a woman,

The paradime of the dutiful wife

For him to put me in my place,

Letting the man push me down,

And then showering him with praise.

But we are always learning

And the next time I will try

To be strong enough in myself

To tell him what I really think-

That he is the most pitiful of us all,

Followed by a wink.

And I'm not gonna let the man get me down

I am going to stand tall.

I am going to try and make a change,

Instead of buying into it all.

And as I sit and drink my coffee,

I will enjoy every last sweet sip.

And think about the man who paid for it

That pathetic piece of shit. 

Ms. Whiskey (2.28.07)

here i am driving around

delivering a pizza

to a drunk college kid

got a beer in my hand

and a knot in my stomach

I just wish you'd understand

why i hurt so much

why i alwasy cry

why i say mean things to you

and then ask myself why

why would i say that to you

when i know it doesnt matter

nothing i can say will bring you back to me

nothing i can say would matter.

i really wish youd understand

why i dont think i can cope

did you really mean the things you said

when we were together?

you said youd spend forever with me,

but did we have a hope? 

dont take this the wrong way baby,

but it really hurts my heart

that you are having such an easy time

now that we're apart

and as you know, im hurtin bad

its not so easy for me

I know how much i loved you baby,

but how much did you love me?

all these questions

with no answer in sight

but thats okay baby,

i dont need you tonight,

i got ms. whiskey by my side. 

And it is pretty clear,

when you dont text me back,

i guess your with her

in your bed

on your back.

oh yeah, i went there

did you think that i wouldnt?

and i still dream about you,

but i guess i really shouldnt. 

and i probably shouldnt want you,

but ask me if i care

my give a damn is busted.

this isnt right,

this isnt fair.

but like i said before,

i got ms. whiskey on my side

and she tells me what to say to you

and she tells me what to write.

she is my muse,

for now anyway.

she is my inspiration

and right now, thats okay.

you know i fucking miss you

and it kills me everyday

but somehow i keep on keepin on

because i know one day

it will all be okay

Universe (5.28.09)

I smoked stale cigarette

And my tongue went numb

Then smoke curled around me

As if I were someone

I let it fall to the ground,

Sparks lit, then going out

Just like the person I was before this.

I’m not worried now

About the smoke in my lungs,

Because you know it is said

Only the good die young

And I am not someone

Who is qualified

To be good, or to die

Thank you, Universe

For making me strong

For making my life last this long

And for all of the pain and trials

You have put me through,

It has hardened me,

So I give thanks to you

can't breathe without you (draft 11.1.09)

(tune ala cakes never there)

i feel how much i love you

i can feel it in my bones.

i wish you were right here, 

right now

right here in my arms.

i love you like ive never loved

anyone before.

i cant describe this feeling

it is so original.

i dont know what id do without you

right here in my life.

i know i could be something great

with you there by my side.

i am lost without you

and i dont know what to do

unless you are here with me

saying 'baby i love you'

and when its dark and im lonely 

i can think about your face

and everything youve done for me

and think about the taste

of your lips on my lips

and we fall into the bed

and i have everything i need

right here in my bed. 

CHORUS:

I cannot breathe without you

i dont know how ive survived

this long without you here with me

right here by my side

but all i know is when you are 

not near or in my arms,

there is a lack of color 

and there is a lack of charm.

i cannot live without you, dear,

you are my saving grace.

i know this when i look into your eyes,

when i look at your face. 

And i will survive

because i know

this is what youd want me to do.

And ill make it through

because im sure

the one who will be there

is you. 

What do you do when...? (3.8.10)

What do you do when you fail at life?

Should you get back up, or just stay down?

Well, me I have tried to get back up but i just end up falling back down to the same place. The place i started from.

I tried, but I failed

I tried but I failed.

i failed but at least i gave it a shot and they tell me thats all that counts?

When it happens again and again, those words no longer hold any meaning. Because by the end, failure is the only thing I am good at, the only thing that counts.

it is the only part of me that i can rely on.

I don't know if I will succeed, it's more of a safe bet I won't. So why try? 

WHY TRY?

WHY WHY WHY?

I've been hurt, i've been burned, and I've learned from it all, but all those small fails add up to one great big fall.

And the fall is so great

that it will make you break

and unable to get up again. 

In a Valley (1.6.10)

I'm not asking you to say you'll always be there

I just want someone to listen

I just want someone to care

No I'm not saying you should always be there

I just want someone to listen

Just want someone to care

At night I dream

Of a better place

There's a smile on my face,

And a smile on your face

We are happy

And free

And that's what I want to be

(yeah that's how I wanna be)

(next bit more to the tune of a Milow- Born In the 80's/ death cab/dashboard/bright eyes type song)

Sitting alone in this place,

Wondering how I ever got here, 

to this dark empty space.

Because once upon a time 

I was on top of the world.

Now I am here below,

Just thinking about 

how to get out,

And its dark

And its cold

And it's lonely.

I'm stuck in a valley, no place to run

It's dark most of the time, 

I barely see the sun

Except that brief moment, 

when I see it overhead

Then I can see what I want

And I feel alive, 

Instead of dead

But most of the time, 

there's no light, 

only dark

And I don't remember 

what it is that I want.

Without that reminder 

Of brief sunlight,

I'm stuck in a valley, 

and I can't see the light. 

The Doorway (draft 11.1.09)

You're standing at your doorway,

I'm standing in mine too.

You can't see me, 

But I can see you

You're standing at the doorway,

I'm secretly watching you

Yeah I know that might sound creepy,

But what else can I do?

I just wanna get to know you

Standing in the doorway/chorus x3

I'm staring into your heart,

But you can't see me

You're standing at the doorway

As it frames your body

Like a picture

Standing in the doorway/chorus x3

I cannot see beyond you 

To what's on the other side

Are you hiding your past? 

Are you eager to leave it behind (you)? 

(You could cross the threshold,

Or you could turn back.

Either way, you have to make a choice,

So which will you pick?)

Standing in the doorway/chorus x3

You have to cross the threshold,

Or you can turn back.

Either way, you have to make a choice,

So which will you pick?

If you just took one step towards me

Then maybe you would see

That we were meant to be

So please, come through that doorway

Now

Now

That doorway

Doorway/chorus x3?

That doorway now yeah

When You Realize (draft- 1.20.09)

When you realize life never works out like you planned,

It is a great lesson, but it is hard to understand

What you should feel, or what you should do,

Or why these things keep happening to you. 

You can stop and wonder why life is this way,

You can ask and look and wait and pray,

But if you do, be careful that on your dying day,

You aren't still wondering, (wondering)

Wondering why your life is this way**(repeat)

Because you're the only one who knows

Why you do the things that you do

Nobody else can tell you.

Just try and remember, 

When things go from bad to worse,

That life is a blessing as well as a curse

When the sky turns gray,

And when it starts to rain,

It is easy to give into your pain

That being said, knowing nothing is planned,

Think about how you'd feel if it never rained again

There would be no water, no food, and no lakes,

But there would be only sunshine, 

and the levees wouldn't ever break

Now I can impart insights like these onto you,

But the truth is, I haven't a fucking clue

All I know is that when I am sad,

I try to weigh out the good from the bad. 

Yeah I try to weigh out the good from the bad

Yeah, I try to separate the good from the bad

Yeah now I realize there's no such thing 

as good or bad. 

(or passive sentences lol)

It's (a paradox) how we control our own fate

So whether life happens to be bad, good, made-up, or true,

Just be glad that life is happening to you. (repeat)

Just be glad that life is happening to me and you (draw out)

Broken Chair (rough draft 1.12.09)

I got so mad that I broke a chair,

I fixed it- made it whole,

but nobody cared

they were just mad at me

for breaking it.

So what is the point then

Of fixing it in the first place?

If all you get for your work

re looks of disgust

from the people you hold closest.

I never meant to break the chair

I'm sorry I was just so angry

I hope you'll accept my apology

I truly truly am sorry

And its turning into jealousy,

Because the chair is fixed,

And not broken

Like me.

Give Me Something (8.9.10)

ong: Give me something (by me)

Give me something

instead of nothing 

i just cant take it anymoooore

dont even know what im looking for

all i know is i need it now

Or I might scream ____ out loud

Wanna scream wanna scream

holding it in

take a pill 

take a pill

dulls the pain

cannot sleep cannot eat

same old game

that is why i need 

something to get me through the day.

Doesn't matter what that 'something' is

It could be as simple as a bottle of iced tea

Or some form of energy

To motivate me

something is missing

i can't seem to fill this void inside

but my voice inside

tells me theres a quick fix

tells me youll feel better now

but it lies

the empty never goes away

glass is always half empty

never half full

It must have sprung a leak- water dripping from the hole

I Quit (8.10.10)

I keep losing at this game of life

Think I'll quit while I'm ahead

I could play on,

But I

Think I'll walk away from everything

Instead

Maybe clear my head

Have no thoughts (there)

Nothing to hear

Nothing to see

Except for me

And my failure

I give up

I can't play this game no more

It's not something I asked for

And I just can't take it anymore

I'm done.

I tried, and I failed, 

So many times I can't count

And trying hasn't worked

So now I want out

Let me go

Let me be free

Let me see how blissful ignorance can be

I'm not saying I think I'm a quitter,

I already know I am.

Why should this be any different

From everything else I've done?

I tried to change, 

But it wasn't good enough

I can't live up to all their expectations

They are too much

So I'm telling you

That I've had enough

I quit I quit 

Leave me alone

I don't exist

I'm done. 

I quit

I quit

I just don't give a shit

I'm losing,

So I might as well

Give up while I'm ahead

A poem about love

I offered you my heart
And you took it
And held it tenderly
For 8 months
You said you would keep it forever,
But then one day you tossed it on the gravel
And there was nothing left except an unshapely mass of sinewy strings.
Then you threw the remainder back into its cage
Where it sits now, trying to put itself back together
And you told me to get over it-
That healing takes time,
But time is not a surgeon
It can only do so much.
The scars may fade over time,
But they will never go away.

Ode to The Oregano Bush

It would take too long to write down
All the reasons I love her,
So here is a shortened version,
Because I’m not a very good writer:

She smokes as much as I do,
Despite her health issues,
She finishes my beverages
She finishes my food
And when she burps it is adorable, not rude.
She waits patiently as I slowly count my cards,
And calls for take out, because she knows I find it hard.

She lets me borrow her inhaler,
Her pajamas
And her toothbrush
Not to mention fixing my computer.

She does my laundry and my dishes
She thinks I’m beautiful
In bed she always grants my wishes
In bed she is beautiful.

She is my soul mate,
This I know for sure.
I know it like I’ve never known anything before.

Listing her qualities doesn’t even come close
To how I actually feel about her.
Love is something you just know,
And this is it for sure.

Though she is amazing
And makes me smile all the time,
The best part about her
Is that she is mine.

summer

my eyes are deserts
blinded by a light
brighter than the sun.

in the shapeless night
they have no purpose,
and do not exist within me.

Beautiful Sad Girl

beautiful sad girl
the stars were calling to you that night,
the sand felt cool between our toes
and the air carried our voices
into the sea
you kept me warm for just a moment,
but the feeling will stay for eternity.

CHORUS:
{it just isnt enough to be your friend,
but i'll take what i can get
because i have this need to know you better;
and you don't know me yet.}

I imagine the skin beneath your clothes,
and it makes me smile and shake,
just waking up next to you would be enough.
it would be more then i could take.

i bet you look beautiful in the morning,
and i bet you'd smile and say
"why the hell did you wake me up?!"
and i would say "you look beautiful today,"
go back to sleep lady.

CHORUS

you don't know what i'd do to be with you,
but i cant change the past
i really hope you're happy together
and that his love for you will last

and don't cry if he hurts you
'cuz he's not worth the tears
and don't cry when you hurt me
'cuz i'm not either

CHORUS

draw the eyes blank

my eyes are deserts
blinded by a light
brighter than the sun.

in the shapeless night
they have no purpose,
and do not exist within me.

i cannot see,
because i do not know
what lays ahead.

Pink, Black (more like rambling really)

I wanted to time it perfectly.
I'll wear the old ones tonight
So that the new ones will be clean
When and if someone actually sees them,
Because tomorrow night might be different.
But I guess that doesn't matter,
Because the people who will sleep with me
Don't give a shit what my underwear looks like,
Nor do I care what they think.
But the people who I want to wear cute underwear for-
Those who I want to sleep with-
Don't want to sleep with me at all.

two parts of the same hole

I)
I complain about my life,
About how i don't have anybody
And I look in the mirror at my scars,
And pick at my scabs,
And I think;
Who could ever want this?

II)
I don't feel like myself.
I can't see straight
And I like it.
And nausea comes in waves
And between them I'm ok
And I forget about it all;
About her, about them,
And I can write then.